


to speak of love and other painful things,

by calore



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, THEY are the wlws of the game after all its THEIR irghtful analogy, but mostly its just. talking, it sure is for these bitches, its rly just game theory ig, kind of a character study ? depends on what u consider a character study tbh, lesbian kang jaehee bc i live for that hc, literally this is a conversation theres nothing more to it, love is confusing as fuck like that sometimes, sorta - Freeform, sun/moon comparisons, theres very minor angst of the internalized homophobia kind, theyre borrowing that from v and rika for a hot minute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:55:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28379586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calore/pseuds/calore
Summary: “How did you know?”Chaeyoung felt Jaehee’s voice vibrate in her chest, which made her look down to the head of brown hair she was in the middle of stroking. “Know what?”“That you loved me.”-- two sides of a love story, told on a cold night.
Relationships: Kang Jaehee/Main Character (Mystic Messenger)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	to speak of love and other painful things,

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS 
> 
> ITS JAEHEE DAY HELL FUCKING YEAH so here's a lil fluff fic i wrote based on a scenario i came up to help me fall asleep :) hope u enjoy and tell me what u thought if u did !!

“How did you know?”

Chaeyoung felt Jaehee’s voice vibrate in her chest, which made her look down to the head of brown hair she was in the middle of stroking. “Know what?”

“That you loved me.” She replied, as if obvious, turning her head to look at Chaeyoung without getting up from her chest. It was too warm and the bedroom was too cold. 

Chaeyoung stopped for a second, moving her hand to rest it on Jaehee’s shoulder. Now that was something to think on. For her, it hadn’t been a realization, more like the completion of a puzzle, with pieces she collected daily through the many moments they spent together, knowing what picture they were forming but not wanting to really… look at the whole. She’d known then that she was starting to see Jaehee in a way that went beyond the boundaries of a friendship or work partnership, but it didn’t really settle for her until one night when she was sketching. And even then, she’d done that absent-mindedly, let her pen run through the tablet without any intentions. It wasn’t until the sketch was complete and she got a chance to look at it that she realized the meaning of everything.

And even then, said meaning hadn't made her feel… good. 

She doubted Jaehee would like to hear that, but she wasn’t going to lie to her about it. “Would it be strange if I told you it was quite an ‘oh, shit’ moment?”

Jaehee chuckled, to her surprise. “Well, that’s sure interesting.” Then, softer, “but, why?”

Chaeyoung sighed, realizing she didn’t quite have an explanation worth hearing, but the way Jaehee tightened the arm around her waist reassured her. It would be worth hearing to her. So she proceeded. “It was… impractical, basically.” 

Jaehee nodded with a hum, and Chaeyoung could see a sad smile form on her face. “Yeah, I get that,” she whispered.

Chaeyoung caressed a strand of hair away from her face, testing the waters but also softening her explanation. “I mean… we were business partners— still are— and you were also the first person I could truly call a friend in years. I didn’t want to lose that, I guess.”

“I understand,” Jaehee breathed. 

“It just seemed like the absolute worst idea at the moment,” she kept going, though she realized Jaehee was slightly tense. Better to stop now. 

“What about now?” She asked, now peeling herself off Chaeyoung, brows furrowed. “Do you still think it was the worst idea?”

Chaeyoung smiled before leaning forward and giving her a short kiss, which took Jaehee by surprise. “No. It was an excellent idea, I now realize.”

If she was honest with herself, Chaeyoung didn’t quite know if this was a good idea or not. It did sound terrible in theory, to date your business partner, to have all the troubles of building something together mixed with a romantic relationship, and she could foresee it’d be difficult to find a balance in the future, but she could never regret this. Jaehee made her feel a calm sort of happiness she didn’t know she needed, she grounded and revitalized her. She was that first breath of fresh air, that first sip of just-made coffee. Even if she was all about steadiness and routine (and so was Chaeyoung), she still made everything feel new and light. 

And it was moments like these that made her the happiest, with Jaehee’s head on her shoulder, grinning and lazily intertwining her fingers with hers, completely at ease when the world around them was always so unbelievably high-strung. These were the moments where she knew she’d never have any regrets.

“Possibly the best idea ever,” she added, lacing her fingers with Jaehee’s over her stomach and squeezing her hand. She squeezed back. 

“But what made you realize?” Jaehee asked, and once again Chaeyoung did not have a definite answer. 

“It was a collection of things,” she began, starting to run her thumb through the back of Jaehee’s palm, feeling the muscles strengthened by many hours of dough kneading. “For example… how you’d always greet me in the chatroom as if you’d been waiting for me…”

That made Jaehee laugh. “I’ll admit to having done that a few times, but mostly I was just very happy to see you.”

She was trying to play it cool as she so often did, but Chaeyoung had seen this “it’s not that big of a deal” act before and knew that Jaehee’s smile always betrayed her. So she rolled her eyes playfully and said, “Yeah, whatever.”

“...Okay, perhaps it was more often than not,” she admitted, which made Chaeyoung chuckle. 

“It showed,” she said, to which Jaehee mock scoffed. Still, she continued. “But there was also… the way you’d talk about your ideas for the shop, there was always this sparkle in your eye as if you could see the greatest café in the entire world right in front of you,” she caressed her hand again, this time in small circles, “or the way you’d just talk sometimes, with this lilt to your voice like a child explaining how their favorite toy worked. You could make even the most boring things sound interesting if you were passionate about them.”

Jaehee’s eyes were wide and gleaming now. “I’ve always thought I sounded boring to people…”

“You should listen to yourself speak sometimes, you really do it like there’s a flame inside you,” Chaeyoung said, wondering why exactly she thought that. “But,” she continues, now slowing her hand caresses, “I guess what truly made me fall was just… your brightness. How you shone in everything you do.” 

Jaehee bit her lip through a smile and tried to turn her head away, lying on her back. Chaeyoung continued. “You’re like the sun… warm and nurturing and bright. How could I resist that?”

Jaehee could only chuckle, physically unable to form a reply. She felt herself be enveloped by something other than Chaeyoung’s arms or the wool blanket over them. Something warm and soft tickled her insides, like if love were a physical sensation. It was almost too much for her body to contain, and it spilled in her widening smile and her feet seeking to tangle with Chaeyoung’s. 

“Nobody’s ever compared me to the sun before,” she said after a while, to which Chaeyoung hummed. “But… if I had to make the analogy, I would say you are the sun and I am the moon.”

Chaeyoung seemed genuinely confused at this. “What would make me the sun?”

“Doesn’t the moon reflect the sun’s light, after all?” Jaehee said with a smile, turning to face her. “I could never be where I am right now— shining, as you say— if it weren’t for you.”

Chaeyoung considered this for a second. “But your light comes from within, Jaehee. You’re not a reflection of anything or anyone, you’re just… you.” She wished she could make this sound better, but she wanted to make Jaehee understand that everything she’d achieved was from herself and herself alone. She’d spent too much time attributing her accomplishments to other people— contacts and such, but Chaeyoung and those close to them knew that it was her drive that got her where she was.

“Still, where would I be without you showing me the way?” Jaehee whispered, bringing one hand to cup Chaeyoung’s cheek, holding it softly. “How would I shine without you first showing me how to?”

Chaeyoung smiled into her touch… and from the thought that’d just come into her mind. “You could say, then, that I _turned you on_?”

Jaehee buried her head on Chaeyoung’s shoulder as she failed to hold back her giggles. “You absolutely ruined the moment.”

“But I’m not wrong, am I?”

“No, you’re not,” Jaehee said, shaking her head. She lifted herself a little, enough to see Chaeyoung’s face, shadowed by the moonlight, jade eyes tinted blue. The same eyes that had consoled her that first night, and kept her company for so many more after. Then she added, softly, “You’re absolutely correct.”

She leaned in for a kiss— a long, demanding kiss, the overflow of that love she felt building up inside her by the second, craving to be let out now. Chaeyoung welcomed it all, wrapping her arms around her waist, demanding anything Jaehee was willing to give. And she was willing to give everything. 

Chaeyoung slid an arm under Jaehee’s sweater, the heat of the moment now ushering away the cold, and her skin shivered against it as she deepened the kiss, wanting Chaeyoung’s heat to consume her. It was good, knowing now that _this_ was what she’d meant when she said she wanted to be close to her. She wanted to push the very boundary until their bodies became one. To know all of Chaeyoung, past the mental and into the physical. She’d spent so long agonizing over why what they had was not enough, about why she still craved more. It was good to know now what _more_ truly meant.

It meant her tongue exploring Chaeyoung’s mouth with her fingers tangled in her hair, as Chaeyoung’s hands traveled down her skin to spots they knew from memory. It meant lingering when pulling away just so she could feel their breaths rise and fall at the same time. It meant feeling herself melt into moonlit green eyes as she lay her head next to hers, noses barely touching and hands lingering, expectant, asking for permission to proceed. 

What Chaeyoung asked next, though, was not at all what Jaehee was hoping she would. “And how did _you_ know? What made you realize?”

She curled her fingers back in, supposing it was time to share her side of the story, as convoluted as it was. She found her girlfriend’s hands once again and held to them lightly as she looked for the right words to phrase it all. 

“Guess I’ve always known,” she began, to which Chaeyoung furrowed her brows. Jaehee knew that look. She was scrutinizing, deconstructing to find meaning. Jaehee didn't know how to guide her to it, but she could try. “Knowing was one thing, of course. Admitting it to myself— assimilating it— was a whole other dilemma.”

Chaeyoung hummed, signaling her to continue. This was the part that always got Jaehee, the one that made her want to break something whenever she thought about it: “I guess you could say that the whole time we were friends I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t in love.” She turned her eyes away, “that my feelings were not of the romantic kind.”

She didn’t imagine this would be easy for Chaeyoung to hear, she was basically admitting a huge part of that friendship they’d established was a lie, but she surprised her when she cupped one of her hands between hers and brought them up to the space between them, saying, “I understand.”

Jaehee smiled a sad smile, feeling for the first time that it was fully safe for her to share this feeling with someone. Make it seen. “I was… frightened, honestly,” she began, happy to finally be able to put a name to the thing that was holding her back during all those months: fear. She continued, “for many reasons. To love for the first time… what a terrifying experience. To truly love, I mean.”

Chaeyoung nodded, eyes still scrutinizing, though Jaehee could not see them. “Couldn’t say it better,” she commented, mulling down what she’d just heard. She could now understand so, _so_ much of what had happened during those café planning months, now having an explanation for so many of Jaehee’s actions that had made her head spin. If she was honest, the whole thing was frightening for her too, though it was the idea of action, of pursuing the relationship, that scared her. Jaehee seemed to fear the feeling itself. Chaeyoung could see why one would be afraid of loving. If she were Kang Jaehee, she’d be scared of love too.

“There was a time where I could not make sense of my feelings at all,” Jaehee said with a chuckle. “I’d have these… reactions to you, these feelings about you… I’d feel warm in a strange way whenever I thought about you, and trip up on my words when I spoke to you, and miss you a little too much, find whatever excuse I could just to talk to you because I just couldn’t seem...” she shook her head, “something about you took hold of me, made me feel safe and comforted, and I sought it out whenever I could.” She remembered that time when she still worked for Jumin and she’d call Chaeyoung on every single one of her breaks, without any reason other than simply wanting to hear her voice, feel her presence even if she hadn’t met her yet. 

Chaeyoung caught on to that, it seemed. “You used to call me like five times a day, it was crazy,” she said.

Jaehee brought a hand to her mouth to hide her embarrassed laugh. “Was it that much? Oh my god, I’m sorry then, I must have bothered you…”

“Don’t be,” Chaeyoung whispered, scooting closer so that their bodies were barely touching. “I mean, at first they were a little annoying, I didn’t understand why you called about things we could easily solve over text, but then I started to be thankful for them. They made me feel less alone in that godawful apartment.”

“I’m glad I could keep you company, then,” Jaehee said, “but if you put it that way you just make me sound way too clingy...” She turned to Chaeyoung, who had a hint of mischief in her eyes.

“I mean, you kind of are,” she said, “but it’s a bit cute sometimes.” She gave her the smallest kiss on the tip of her nose before saying, “feels nice to have someone care about you so much.”

“And I always will,” Jaehee said, smiling as she fixed a strand of Chaeyoung’s hair out of her face. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I won’t.” She slid her hand around Jaehee’s waist, who snuggled her head on the crook of her neck in response, closing her eyes as she felt nothing but warmth surround her. 

They stayed like that for a minute, Chaeyoung’s arms around Jaehee almost like a cocoon. She was beginning to doze off, with Chaeyoung’s breaths as white noise, while Chaeyoung herself was thinking. 

There was definitely some humor to Jaehee’s story, she figured, though she couldn’t decide if one could call it obliviousness or repression or straight-up denial. Whatever it was, surely it was taken to a ridiculous extent to be kept up for so long. Was she truly unaware for all this time, or was she pining in silence, as one so often does?

“What amazes me though is how you acted like that for so long without being aware of why,” she said, unable to save the question to herself though regretful for waking her asleep lover. 

Jaehee opened her eyes as soon as she felt the vibration of her voice. Once again, she had the exact answer, even if it wasn’t an easy one. But if anyone could hear this, it was Chaeyoung. “You know, there was a time where I believed there could be no way I had… those sort of feelings for you,” she began.

Chaeyoung nodded, tightening her arms a little. She understood what she meant and remembered, briefly, a moment from the first party when Jaehee had found her, rushed and flustered and overflowing with nerves, and she’d expressed how strange it was to her to feel so excited about seeing another woman. She could imagine the thoughts influencing that. 

“I didn’t even think of it as a possibility,” Jaehee continued, shifting to lie on her back and wrapping an arm around one of Chaeyoung’s. “There were times, I think, where my mind wanted to go there,” she said, pausing, “but there was always something denying entry, something that made me say ‘hold on, no, how could I have those sort of feelings for another girl? That’s not… not how it _should_ be,’ you know?”

Chaeyoung squeezed her hand the slightest bit. She could sense the tension building in Jaehee, recalling those feelings was never easy. Her words were reminding her of her own doubts, the places her mind used to go, questioning how she’d be seen now that she’d finally dared to question herself. Which was something she knew shouldn’t matter, she knew she should just be celebrating knowing her true self a bit more, but she couldn’t. It had angered her.

Jaehee continued. “Maybe that’s why I tried to convince myself I only wanted to be friends with you. That what I felt, or _how_ I felt, was a product of my inexperience in friendship. Nothing more than that.” She started to fidget with Chaeyoung’s fingers, pushing their thumbs back and forth. “Maybe because admitting what it truly was to myself, labeling it as, you know, romantic desire, would open this… gigantic can of worms I was not ready to look at yet.” Her voice was barely audible by now, and Chaeyoung realized this might be the first time she was able to put that feeling into words. Which meant it was way too early to deconstruct it. Sometimes introspection was painful, and this was a bit too much to deal with past midnight.

“And you don’t have to open it, at least not yet,” she tried to reassure. _Unless you want to_ , she thought, but she didn’t want to talk about internalized feelings and she could tell Jaehee didn’t either, by the way she turned to her and smiled, eyes filled with thankfulness, glad to be understood. 

“I think I am, still,” she whispered. “Not fully. Not the way I should.” She paused, before adding, “There’s a lot about myself I don’t understand yet, but I’m also not trying to. With everything I have going on right now, an identity crisis would be a little too much, don’t you think?”

Chaeyoung chuckled. “Great thinking. It’s best to simply live the moment, I believe. The answers will come after.”

Jaehee smiled. “I’m doing exactly that.” She turned to her side so that Chaeyoung was hugging her from behind, and she scooted up a bit so Jaehee’s head was tucked just under her chin. “Right now, all I’m sure of is that I love you. And I think that lights the way to many answers.”

Chaeyoung planted a kiss on the top of her head, beginning to doze off herself now. Her mind, though, would not quiet until later, now filled with thoughts about what Jaehee had just said, about those feelings that were all too familiar to her. Jaehee, too, had been an answer to many questions she had. Realizing she’d developed feelings for her felt, though it was very impractical, like the fog was finally clearing, like the confirmation of an answer. For Jaehee, it seemed, matters were a bit more complicated. She’d never been one for introspection, Chaeyoung knew that well enough. But now that she wasn’t actively avoiding it anymore, she wanted to walk the depths of this overgrown forest with her, hand in hand. The last thing she wanted was for Jaehee to feel alone. 

“I love you too,” she whispered, unsure if Jaehee was awake enough to hear it. Her next words didn’t need to be heard, she just needed to get them out. “And thank you for loving me.”

Sleep took her quickly, quieting all of their doubts. They could return in the morning. But for the night, love was all there was for them.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i used the sun/moon thing on a mysme fic as if we aren't fed up of seeing it in the game. deal with it
> 
> if anyone wants to talk my twt is @jaeheesgf and tumble @kangjaehee, see y'all around


End file.
